No, not baby anymore...

M turned 2 years old last month.  It's left me in such a nostalgic and bittersweet state of mind.  He is such a little boy now, and I love watching him continue to learn and grow.  At the same time, there's no denying that the little baby he was is gone.

For his first and second birthdays, I took him to have his pictures done professionally.  Looking at the shots from last year, compared to this year totally tripped me out.  There was the same gorgeous face, but at the same time he looks so different.

I'd always thought that people who have their children in rapid succession were crazy, or at least slightly masochistic.  I am starting to understand it more.  While you love watching your baby progress into toddlerhood, it's somewhat sad to realize just how quickly they grow up.

That's not to say I am considering another addition to our family just yet.  I don't sleep enough as it is.  But I'd be lying if I said the thought doesn't cross my mind more frequently now.  Usually it's just a fleeting flight of fancy, spurred on by seeing a mother with an infant at the grocery store, or getting an invite to a cousin's baby shower in the mail.

More than anything, I think of my relationships with both of my brothers and realize that I want the same for M.  I want him to have someone that shares his childhood, who can become his friend in adulthood. 

No, it may not be time yet for M to stop being my "baby" but I do look forward to what the future will bring.

The artist at work

The next Banksy?  Or should I consider his savings account as bail money for future vandalism charges?

Beware, sappiness ahead!

I really should be sleeping, as tomorrow is a work day, but I decided to steal a few minutes to chronicle the latest in the world of M.

He is so active and mobile lately that it's a little frightening. Yesterday J was sitting on the couch and M was sitting perpendicular to him. M reached over, grabbed J's shirt and pulled himself up to standing.

Tonight he was sitting on my lap facing me when he spotted my glass on the windowsill. He leaned forward and grabbed onto me to pull himself up. Then he literally started climbing up me toward the glass.

Last week he started doing a new thing in his exersaucer. Previously, when he was excited he'd bounce with both feet. As of last week, he started doing this bouncy running in place, where he alternates his feet. C calls it the "Forrest Baryshnikov" due to the delicate running on his tippy toes.

He's at a very tactile stage, where he wants to touch and grab everything within reach. If he is successful, it immediately goes into his mouth. He especially likes to grab cell phones, remotes, and glasses from people's faces.

On Sunday we went to C's birthday party. (Happy Birthday Mama! I love you more than words can say!) Being the adorable monkey that he is, M was the star of the day. Everyone remarked on how cute and good natured he was.

I realized today that I took for granted that he'd be well behaved. He just has such a sweet disposition that I didn't even consider that he might be fussy.

Every day I get to see him grow and learn a little more. At the same time, he's still the same baby I held in my arms for the first time. He's sweet and observant, social and engaged.

I feel so blessed to be his mother. I love him with a depth and fierceness I couldn't have imagined.

He's also made me love J in a new way. I always new J would be an amazing dad, but seeing is is better than I thought it would be. It's like M has unlocked this part of him that was there all the time, just waiting to shine. When I see my guys together, laughing, my heart expands to a point where I think I could burst.

M is the piece that was always there between us, just waiting for the right time to come into our lives. I carry his heart with me; I carry it in my heart.

Busy making other plans...

The picture you see here is the current state of my fingernails. Or, to be more accurate, it is the current state of my LACK of fingernails. The past few days have been among the most nerve wracking days I have ever experienced.

Last Thursday, we brought M to the pediatrician for his 4 months check up. This was a new pediatrician, and we were hopeful that we would like this office and doctor more than the previous one we'd used. The appointment was going wonderfully and we, M included, really liked the CRNP that was treating him. We were almost done with the appointment when she did the requisite check of his head and soft spots.

Somehow we went from a great visit to being written an Rx for a CT scan of M's head in 2 seconds flat.

It seems that when she was feeling his head, she couldn't feel the soft spot at the front of his head open. As I later learned, this is called the anterior fontanel and it doesn't usually start closing until about 9 months. We were reassured that if it had closed, it wasn't a major health issue. Of course, it would still require a referral to a pediatric neurosurgeon.

Let me tell you, the words, "PEDIATRIC NEUROSURGEON" were flashing before my eyes like they were on a Vegas marquee.

We were sent on our merry (scary) way, with reassurances that the imaging office would contact us to set up an appointment that afternoon. I dropped J and M off at home and went back to work. I'm not quite sure how I managed to be productive, as I was staring at my phone every 45 seconds willing it to ring.

In my rational mind, I knew there was nothing more that I could do that day. But the inner Mama was screaming, "What are my next steps?! Let's get a plan of action! I need to DO something."

We were able to schedule the CT scan for the next afternoon. I have done some difficult things in my lifetime. I have had a baby cut out of my body! I have been there as people and animals I love have died. Looking back on it now, I don't think that anything I have done was as difficult as seeing the terror in M's eyes as he was strapped into the CT machine, hearing his cries, and having to walk out of the room. Thankfully we were using new technology, and the flash CT only took 45 seconds to complete the scans.

On Monday and Tuesday, I tried to wait patiently for the results. I managed to only call the pediatrician's office once each day. On Tuesday afternoon the nurse called me back and let me know that she spoke to the imaging office and would have the report the next morning. C tells me that I have more patience than most people she knows. I didn't feel it.

Wednesday morning, I woke up to the most beautiful voice mail I have ever received. M's anterior fontanel was not prematurely fused at all. He's just thick headed, like his daddy. And, to be fair, his mama too.

Life has been extremely stressful these past few months. J has been laid off twice this year when the companies he worked for went under. And in between those, he thought it would be cute to get appendicitis at the same time I had crippling edema from my pregnancy. Which, of course, was 2 weeks before we were moving into our current house. And those are just some of the highlights.

After the last week, it's all gravy. My boy is healthy and happy. God is good, and I am blessed.

You're on my Smit List!

When I love something, I like to say that I am smitten; sometimes I go so far as to say I am in deep smit.

With that being said, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I am starting the Smit List. This is where I am going to talk about things that I am smitten with.

Smit List: Flip Video Camcorder

I first heard about the Flip at Rosie O'Donnell's blog. I was intrigued, and was ecstatic when I got one for Christmas 2007.

Why I Love the Flip

1. It is the perfect size to hold in your hand without being clunky.


2. It has great video and sound quality.


3. It's perfect for short video clips, which is all I have time for.


4. It comes loaded with software to allow you to screenshot, edit, and share your video.


5. It is the reason that I was able to capture M triumphantly getting his foot into his mouth for the first time.

In Any Given Moment...

A year ago yesterday, my entire world changed in an instant. On 9/30/08, I found out that there was a second heart beating within me.

In the days leading up to the 30th, I went through a spectrum of emotions. It was unusual for me to be late, and I started to wonder if I could be pregnant. At the same time, I didn't want to believe I could be. I was worried that I'd be too disappointed if I let myself hope. I was also nervous about the possibility of a positive test. Though my husband and I had been together for almost 5 years, we'd just recently gotten married. We weren't planning to start a family for at least a year, if ever. I didn't know how my husband would react if I was pregnant.

Finally, after almost a week I worked up the nerve to buy a test. I wanted no room for questions, and bought the digital read out test. The instructions said to wait for 3 minutes for a result. I didn't even have to wait for one minute. There it was, no doubt at all. I was pregnant.

I walked out of the bathroom with the test in my hand. My husband was still in bed, playing with one of our dogs. He looked up and met my eyes with his own. I'm sure he knew then, but I had to vocalize it. "There's someone in there," I said.

Saying it out loud made it real, and I was totally overwhelmed with emotion. I fell onto the bed crying. Looking back, I think this may have freaked J out a bit. I wasn't crying because I was unhappy. I was equal parts thrilled and terrified. I was so excited about the possibility of a person that was equal parts J and I. At the same time, I was afraid to get too excited knowing that the first trimester is the most dangerous time for a pregnancy. I was also worried that I wouldn't be a good mother.

To his credit, J remained completely calm. He held me and soothed me. He reassured me that everything would be fine. He told me how much he loved me, and what a good mother he knew I would be. I am so lucky to have a husband like him.

Looking at my beautiful boy yesterday, I couldn't believe a year had gone by so quickly. A year ago I found out he was there. I didn't know anything else about him, but I already loved him so much my heart ached.

Here we are, a year later. M turned 4 months old today. This week he has figured out how to get his foot in his mouth. He met his birthday buddy, my co-worker's son born just a few hours before him. He tried rice cereal for the first time and loved it. Then he tried rice cereal with pureed blueberries, and liked that even more.

It makes me think about something my mom and I have talked about recently. You may be going through strife and struggles, but you have no idea where you'll be in a year's time. The only constant in life is change. Everything is only for now.

Looking to the future, I realize that a year from now I'll have a 16 month old boy. He'll be so different from the baby I nursed to sleep tonight. I'm sure I'll look back and wonder how he grew and changed so quickly. But in the meantime, I look forward to all the adventures, laughs, hugs, and kisses we'll have from here to there.

Woefully late!

I talked to C tonight for a bit, and she mentioned how she really meant to update today. Now, normally I would cut her no slack on her...slacking. However, it was 9:30 p.m. and she was just wrapping up work for the day. So, I suppose that's excusable. She promises an update tomorrow.

To tide us over, I am presenting to you all documentation of a dreadful plight that I am sure impacts many infants. This is of course, what happens when your child yacks all over and it dribbles down their leg.

You can try to clean it up, but the hard cold truth remains. Your precious infant is suffering from yacne.

Your Baby Can...Make Internet Millions

The most frequent advice I received before M was born was this: Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Dooce recently commented on this in a blog, saying it was the worst advice to give someone with a newborn. I think this may be one of those things about motherhood that is different for everyone.

In life before M, I was definitely a night owl. It would not be uncommon for me to greet the sunrise on a Saturday morning, simply because I had not gone to sleep from the night before.

I was also not much of a napper. My husband J can nap anytime. I used to be envious of this. In our pre-baby life, we'd wake up on Saturdays around noon and have lunch together. If the night before had been a particularly crazy one, J would go back to bed for a nap. There I'd sit, just as tired, but totally unable to nap.

My how things change! I've gone from a, "sleep is for the weak," mentality to, "I could sleep for a week!"

M has always been a good sleeper. From the time we brought him home from the hospital, he was sleeping 4-5 hours a night. He has also consistently been a fan of taking a long morning nap. So for me, sleeping when he sleeps was a life saver.

The first few weeks, I felt guilty for napping so much. It felt like such an indulgence to be napping away my day, baby snuggled on my chest. J would come home from work, and I'd invariably feel guilty for not having done more around the house. The floors needed to be swept, the dogs needed haircuts, the dishes were sitting in the sink, and I'd totally ignored it all. Of course, being the smart man that he is, J never commented on any of this. He actually encouraged me to sleep whenever I could.

As I started to get more in a routine with M, I was able to sneak in a few chores here and there. The most important thing that I learned was simple; get enough sleep first and worry about the house second. If I was feeling wiped out in the morning, I would join M in his long morning nap. Then in the afternoon, I actually had the energy to do the things that needed to be done.

Now my challenges have changed as I've gone back to work. Though the need might still be there, I don't have the opportunity for a long morning nap. This has led to me coming home from work, feeding M, and falling asleep with him on the couch. It's not ideal.

Last night, I came home from work with a to-do list running through my head. I was going to update my resume, take a shower, pump another bottle for M, and write this blog. I had a game plan, and I was going to get it done. That is, until I fell asleep after nursing M, and didn't wake up until 10 pm.

At that point, the game plan was shot, and I was just trying to get as much done as I could. The resume got updated and the shower was an absolute necessity. And the kicker was that the nap left me so rested, I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 a.m.

I still haven't quite figured out how to juggle working and being a mom. M, like his parents, is a night owl. He is not interested in going to sleep for the night until around 1:30 a.m. This has led to a very tired mama, who drags herself into work for 9 a.m. and stares at her inbox for about an hour until she can focus.

I guess, like all things motherhood related, this is a learning process with no simple answer. Unlike all those informercials I've become so fond of, I can't make 3 easy payments and have a good night's sleep delivered in 3-6 weeks.

4 to the flush and he's all in!

Lesson #134: A sense of humor is imperative in raising a child!

Thanks Aunt Mandy for teaching M about poker!