No, not baby anymore...

M turned 2 years old last month.  It's left me in such a nostalgic and bittersweet state of mind.  He is such a little boy now, and I love watching him continue to learn and grow.  At the same time, there's no denying that the little baby he was is gone.

For his first and second birthdays, I took him to have his pictures done professionally.  Looking at the shots from last year, compared to this year totally tripped me out.  There was the same gorgeous face, but at the same time he looks so different.

I'd always thought that people who have their children in rapid succession were crazy, or at least slightly masochistic.  I am starting to understand it more.  While you love watching your baby progress into toddlerhood, it's somewhat sad to realize just how quickly they grow up.

That's not to say I am considering another addition to our family just yet.  I don't sleep enough as it is.  But I'd be lying if I said the thought doesn't cross my mind more frequently now.  Usually it's just a fleeting flight of fancy, spurred on by seeing a mother with an infant at the grocery store, or getting an invite to a cousin's baby shower in the mail.

More than anything, I think of my relationships with both of my brothers and realize that I want the same for M.  I want him to have someone that shares his childhood, who can become his friend in adulthood. 

No, it may not be time yet for M to stop being my "baby" but I do look forward to what the future will bring.

Parents just don't understand...

I have debated what my comfort zone line is with blog posts.  What am I ok with talking about?  What, if anything, is off limits?

There are many things to consider here.  I don't want to post anything that could jeopardize my career; my work is rewarding and fulfilling and I love it.  I also don't want to write anything that could hurt or upset my family.

When it comes to J, my husband, I've always felt that it wasn't necessarily my place to tell his stories.  They aren't mine.

With this post, I think I'm stepping outside of my previously established comfort zone.  But nothing that I'm about to write is false, and at this point I'd say it directly to those involved.

J was born in a motel room in South Carolina.  For whatever reason they want to provide, his parents never filed a birth certificate for him.  This has been inconvenient before, but had never disrupted our lives like it has now.

Our state recently passed a new law, staying that to renew your driver's license you have to physically go to the DMV with a copy of your birth certificate, among other documents.  J's driver's license recently expired, and since there is literally no proof that he was born (other than his existence) he has been unable to renew it.

He contacted the state of South Carolina to find out what, if anything, he could do to have a birth certificate issued about a month before his license expired.  Over two months later, we have now hit a brick wall.

After providing a plethora of documentation, the state was prepared to issue J a birth record.  The request had been processed, and all that really needed to be done was for the director of the agency to sign off on everything.

Cue the call from the director of said agency to J today.  "Everything seems to be in order, except one thing.  The last name your mother lists on her marriage certificate to your father is different from the last name on her birth certificate."

Well yes, it would be.  She was still married to her first husband when she met J's father.  She was still married to him when J was conceived.  (Or should I say allegedly conceived, as again there is no proof he was ever born?)

"Oh," says the state agency director, "this poses a problem.  Now we have a paternity issue."

Understandably, this agency cannot make paternity determinations.  The people at this agency have been beyond helpful in this process, and if circumstances allowed I would buy them all ponies and cookie bouquets.

So now, we are on the hunt for another elusive document, praying that when we find it, it has what we need.  The state agency can not issue a birth record at all unless the divorce decree from J's mother's first marriage specified that the unborn J was not a product of the first marriage. 

Upon learning this fun bit of news, J called his mom.  She doesn't know what, if any, reference is made to him in the decree because she never actually saw a copy.

If this elusive decree makes no reference to J, the only recourse he has is to take it to court and let a judge decide paternity.  Beyond the fact that this will cost money that we don't have (because like many Americans J is currently unemployed), this process will take even more time, making our lives much more difficult for a longer period of time.

I know that I am a lucky woman.  I have an amazing son, a wonderful husband, a job that I love, a roof over my head, etc.  I am very aware of my blessings.  However, this lack of parental responsibility is having real impact in my life, on my husband, and on our family.

I appreciate that my mother-in-law is helping by bringing M to day care each morning, as obviously J can not.

What I don't appreciate is the fact that she is currently acting like my husband is somehow being ridiculous because he is frustrated and upset at the situation.  What I don't appreciate is my husband being told that needs to not blame his parents for the situation.  After all, he's made bad decisions too!  What I don't appreciate is the way that somehow J's mother had become the victim in all of this, telling him that she'll help him until this is resolved, but then can she just please bury the bad memories?

This makes me even more grateful for the father that J is to M.  It makes me feel absolutely amazed at the natural parenting skills he has.  More than anything, this has reaffirmed for me that when I make mistakes as a parent, as we all do, I will own up to them, apologize and then do anything and everything I can to fix them without rationalizing my bad choices.

Beware, sappiness ahead!

I really should be sleeping, as tomorrow is a work day, but I decided to steal a few minutes to chronicle the latest in the world of M.

He is so active and mobile lately that it's a little frightening. Yesterday J was sitting on the couch and M was sitting perpendicular to him. M reached over, grabbed J's shirt and pulled himself up to standing.

Tonight he was sitting on my lap facing me when he spotted my glass on the windowsill. He leaned forward and grabbed onto me to pull himself up. Then he literally started climbing up me toward the glass.

Last week he started doing a new thing in his exersaucer. Previously, when he was excited he'd bounce with both feet. As of last week, he started doing this bouncy running in place, where he alternates his feet. C calls it the "Forrest Baryshnikov" due to the delicate running on his tippy toes.

He's at a very tactile stage, where he wants to touch and grab everything within reach. If he is successful, it immediately goes into his mouth. He especially likes to grab cell phones, remotes, and glasses from people's faces.

On Sunday we went to C's birthday party. (Happy Birthday Mama! I love you more than words can say!) Being the adorable monkey that he is, M was the star of the day. Everyone remarked on how cute and good natured he was.

I realized today that I took for granted that he'd be well behaved. He just has such a sweet disposition that I didn't even consider that he might be fussy.

Every day I get to see him grow and learn a little more. At the same time, he's still the same baby I held in my arms for the first time. He's sweet and observant, social and engaged.

I feel so blessed to be his mother. I love him with a depth and fierceness I couldn't have imagined.

He's also made me love J in a new way. I always new J would be an amazing dad, but seeing is is better than I thought it would be. It's like M has unlocked this part of him that was there all the time, just waiting to shine. When I see my guys together, laughing, my heart expands to a point where I think I could burst.

M is the piece that was always there between us, just waiting for the right time to come into our lives. I carry his heart with me; I carry it in my heart.

Busy making other plans...

The picture you see here is the current state of my fingernails. Or, to be more accurate, it is the current state of my LACK of fingernails. The past few days have been among the most nerve wracking days I have ever experienced.

Last Thursday, we brought M to the pediatrician for his 4 months check up. This was a new pediatrician, and we were hopeful that we would like this office and doctor more than the previous one we'd used. The appointment was going wonderfully and we, M included, really liked the CRNP that was treating him. We were almost done with the appointment when she did the requisite check of his head and soft spots.

Somehow we went from a great visit to being written an Rx for a CT scan of M's head in 2 seconds flat.

It seems that when she was feeling his head, she couldn't feel the soft spot at the front of his head open. As I later learned, this is called the anterior fontanel and it doesn't usually start closing until about 9 months. We were reassured that if it had closed, it wasn't a major health issue. Of course, it would still require a referral to a pediatric neurosurgeon.

Let me tell you, the words, "PEDIATRIC NEUROSURGEON" were flashing before my eyes like they were on a Vegas marquee.

We were sent on our merry (scary) way, with reassurances that the imaging office would contact us to set up an appointment that afternoon. I dropped J and M off at home and went back to work. I'm not quite sure how I managed to be productive, as I was staring at my phone every 45 seconds willing it to ring.

In my rational mind, I knew there was nothing more that I could do that day. But the inner Mama was screaming, "What are my next steps?! Let's get a plan of action! I need to DO something."

We were able to schedule the CT scan for the next afternoon. I have done some difficult things in my lifetime. I have had a baby cut out of my body! I have been there as people and animals I love have died. Looking back on it now, I don't think that anything I have done was as difficult as seeing the terror in M's eyes as he was strapped into the CT machine, hearing his cries, and having to walk out of the room. Thankfully we were using new technology, and the flash CT only took 45 seconds to complete the scans.

On Monday and Tuesday, I tried to wait patiently for the results. I managed to only call the pediatrician's office once each day. On Tuesday afternoon the nurse called me back and let me know that she spoke to the imaging office and would have the report the next morning. C tells me that I have more patience than most people she knows. I didn't feel it.

Wednesday morning, I woke up to the most beautiful voice mail I have ever received. M's anterior fontanel was not prematurely fused at all. He's just thick headed, like his daddy. And, to be fair, his mama too.

Life has been extremely stressful these past few months. J has been laid off twice this year when the companies he worked for went under. And in between those, he thought it would be cute to get appendicitis at the same time I had crippling edema from my pregnancy. Which, of course, was 2 weeks before we were moving into our current house. And those are just some of the highlights.

After the last week, it's all gravy. My boy is healthy and happy. God is good, and I am blessed.

My Mother, Myself?

My grandmother, C's mom, was a dynamic woman. She was kind, loving and funny. She was an amazing cook; she could knit like no one's business. She loved dogs, reading, the outdoors. I think it would be fair to say that her biggest fault was that she was too concerned with other people. She knew this and as a result, she raised a daughter who would always stand up for herself.

C will tell you herself that she lived most of her life refusing to be passive. She is fiery and independent, sometimes to a fault. It's oddly ironic that her daughter, me, was much more like her mother in temperament.

When my grandmother passed away in February of 2007, it was a catalyst for C and me. We both resolved to change things about our personalities; I wanted to stand up for myself more and C wanted to learn when to hold her tongue.

C and I were talking about this the other night, and discussing the changes we've seen in each other in the past few years. C has definitely learned the value in waiting to address issues until she's calmed down and discussion will have the maximum positive impact. In turn, I've learned to speak up for myself and not worry so much about keeping the peace at any cost.

All of this got me thinking about how we, as mothers, handle the flaws we see in our children. In my short time as a mother, I've already learned one of the basic truths. We want to be able to fix everything for our children; we want them to have it better than we've had ourselves.

When it comes to flaws, is it better to let our children learn for themselves? Surely, we'd hope, they would listen to the wisdom we've gained from making so many mistakes ourselves. Experience tells me, this isn't always the case. True, I haven't really had to impart much wisdom to M as of yet. Unless you consider, "No one wants to hang out with boys who have poopy pants," motherly wisdom. I do, however, have two younger brothers. Of course there have been times where they've actually listened to what I had to say and applied it. But more often, they have to go through things in their own time and their own way to really understand what I was trying to tell them in the first place.

Why do flaws in our children bother us? I know that I've always heard that the way you know you've found your soul mate is that they love you, flaws and all. If that's the case, why do we want to fix them in our children? Could it be that what we're trying to fix is the reflection of our own flaws we see in them?

I find myself wondering what M's flaws will be. Will he be a champion procrastinator? Or, maybe not a champion since he kept putting off completing the application to the Procrastination Olympics. Will he have issues with organization? Will he be a nail biter? A chronic air drummer? A collector of all things ridiculous, especially dogs?

What I hope is that whatever these flaws may be, I'll be able to keep two things in mind when dealing with them. First, we are all flawed. Second, often it's our flaws that end up teaching us the greatest life lessons.

That is, of course, unless his flaws turn out to be his current interests in shrieking as loudly as he can and drooling. If that's the case, we're going to have some issues...and some interesting teenage years.

What a surprise, D! I know we talked about doing this, but it appeared that procrastination would win out over putting it into action.

Ah the temptation to create a whole new persona! I might be tall, a former professional dancer, champion of human rights, motivational speaker, and totally devoid of stretch marks (thanks kids). Unfortunately, I am a terrible liar and would never be able to remember who I am supposed to be, so I think I better stick to what I know. Due to my love for marriage, M. is blessed with 3 grandfathers instead of just 1 - what a fortunate baby. Seriously, I think I might have finally figured out how to make a marriage work. However, I did benefit by having 3 interesting and bright children out of this, who have and continue to teach me a lot. For the record, all of my children share the same father, who is the only grandfather yet to met M., but that is a totally separate blog subject.

D. is the oldest and only daughter and luckily for me, one of my best friends ever. I was blessed with a fabulous mother who became one of my closest friends and showed me how important that bond can be. I give her all the credit for everything that I have done right as a mother and am still trying to decide who to blame for the screw ups. For if there is one thing I have learned over the years, there is no such thing as perfect parenting. We're human, we make mistakes, and all we can do is apologize and try to fix it. Becoming a grandparent is our second chance to impart our wisdom on a new generation or really to enjoy the fact that this time around we don't have to deal with temper tantrums.

Beyond being a mother, grandmother and wife, I work in the Internet landscape and love my work. My household is rounded out with 4 dogs, yes I said 4. I know that is totally ridiculous, but for some reason I don't know enough to stop at 1. Remember the marriage deal?

Oh, another enlightened tidbit - mothering is for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter how old they get, you do not get to retire. The role may change, but they don't go away - unless your screw-ups totally outweigh what you did right.

C.

Let's start at the very beginning...

I suppose the proper way to pop my blogging cherry would be an introduction to the cast of characters that will probably be frequent topics of discussion.

Well, there's me...D. 29, married, slightly dorky in a subtly cool way. There is my husband, J. He's quite a complex character. Business oriented, musician, and self proclaimed King of Dorks. Then there is our son, M. Born 6/1/09, he is a constant adventure and source of laughter.

Another key player in this blog will be my mom, C. I think I'll let her write her own introduction and decide exactly what she wants to share.

My mom and I were talking one day about how the advice given to new parents has changed so much in the 29 years since she brought me home from the hospital, and we thought it might be interesting to start a blog that talks about motherhood from both of our perspectives.

Obviously my mom has got a little bit of a headstart on me in this whole motherhood game. At the same time, raising kids now is definitely different than it was in the 80s.

I'm not quite sure what expectations we have for the blog, or even what direction it will take. I think, like being a mother, it's a work in progress. I expect some comparison of techniques, some funny stories, possibly some ranting from time to time...

That being said, I look forward to the conversations that will ensue. Things tend to get a little wacky when my mom and I get talking. This blog will best be enjoyed with a sense of humor and an appreciation for the slightly offbeat.

-D