Thursday, October 1, 2009

In Any Given Moment...

A year ago yesterday, my entire world changed in an instant. On 9/30/08, I found out that there was a second heart beating within me.

In the days leading up to the 30th, I went through a spectrum of emotions. It was unusual for me to be late, and I started to wonder if I could be pregnant. At the same time, I didn't want to believe I could be. I was worried that I'd be too disappointed if I let myself hope. I was also nervous about the possibility of a positive test. Though my husband and I had been together for almost 5 years, we'd just recently gotten married. We weren't planning to start a family for at least a year, if ever. I didn't know how my husband would react if I was pregnant.

Finally, after almost a week I worked up the nerve to buy a test. I wanted no room for questions, and bought the digital read out test. The instructions said to wait for 3 minutes for a result. I didn't even have to wait for one minute. There it was, no doubt at all. I was pregnant.

I walked out of the bathroom with the test in my hand. My husband was still in bed, playing with one of our dogs. He looked up and met my eyes with his own. I'm sure he knew then, but I had to vocalize it. "There's someone in there," I said.

Saying it out loud made it real, and I was totally overwhelmed with emotion. I fell onto the bed crying. Looking back, I think this may have freaked J out a bit. I wasn't crying because I was unhappy. I was equal parts thrilled and terrified. I was so excited about the possibility of a person that was equal parts J and I. At the same time, I was afraid to get too excited knowing that the first trimester is the most dangerous time for a pregnancy. I was also worried that I wouldn't be a good mother.

To his credit, J remained completely calm. He held me and soothed me. He reassured me that everything would be fine. He told me how much he loved me, and what a good mother he knew I would be. I am so lucky to have a husband like him.

Looking at my beautiful boy yesterday, I couldn't believe a year had gone by so quickly. A year ago I found out he was there. I didn't know anything else about him, but I already loved him so much my heart ached.

Here we are, a year later. M turned 4 months old today. This week he has figured out how to get his foot in his mouth. He met his birthday buddy, my co-worker's son born just a few hours before him. He tried rice cereal for the first time and loved it. Then he tried rice cereal with pureed blueberries, and liked that even more.

It makes me think about something my mom and I have talked about recently. You may be going through strife and struggles, but you have no idea where you'll be in a year's time. The only constant in life is change. Everything is only for now.

Looking to the future, I realize that a year from now I'll have a 16 month old boy. He'll be so different from the baby I nursed to sleep tonight. I'm sure I'll look back and wonder how he grew and changed so quickly. But in the meantime, I look forward to all the adventures, laughs, hugs, and kisses we'll have from here to there.

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